I, For One, Am Happy the Swashbuckler is Dead

Remember the Swashbuckler? Those old black and white films with Errol Flynn escaping slavery on the high seas? Black sails and canon fire?

Yeah, I’m glad those are gone. Who needs them? They were so shallow, outdated, and boring. And cliché. The heroes were all so… heroic. And the women were all the same too; beautiful and charming and in love.

Yuck.

Me? I’d prefer Hollywood focuses on making films about romantic love triangles starring real heroes, like some quirky, awkward dudes played by Robert Pattinson or Tom Holland or Timothee Chalamet. They compete for both an Oscar and the affections of some snarky witty character played by Zendaya. That’s my idea of a good time.

Errol Flynn in the 1940 swashbuckler The Sea Hawk. Though popular in its time, movies today are far more sophisticated and fun to watch. (Photo credit: Warner bros.)

Or a spy/espionage/action flick with two guys who crack jokes while stopping bad guys from using some McGuffin to kill millions of people. You know, pick any two out of Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, Jason Statham, and Ryan Gosling. Throw it on Netflix so it can be on the “Top 10 Action and Adventure” for a few weeks. That’s what the people want.

I digress. All I am saying is, we’re good. We don’t need the swashbuckler. One could call it a washed up genre. I’m happy it’s dead and gone.

Let’s walk through what it would take to make a swashbuckler. First, we need to pick a historical setting. That’s already a rocky start. It would mean some filmmaker out there would have to research a time period in history. That's basically homework. And what time period is worth setting an adventure film anyway? The golden age of piracy? The Napoleonic Wars? The American Revolution? The Seven Years War?

I just bored you to death, didn’t I? It all just sounds like a history lesson. Nothing exciting can possibly happen in those time periods. There’s just not enough drama to work with. Nothing heroic, noteworthy, inspiring, patriotic, or epic ever happened in those days. And even if something like that did happen, you just wouldn’t want to watch it play out against a beautiful ocean backdrop on a stunning widescreen format.

The Swashbuckler just has no creative juice left in the tank. That well is dried up. Even the name “swashbuckler” is annoying to say. I, for one, certainly struggle to see what is so exciting or compelling about a historical epic set on the seven seas during the age of exploration or the golden age of piracy. Sure, it would probably have an amazing musical score and has the potential to have incredible visuals. But would anyone really want to watch that?

History says no. Look no further than 1995’s box office flop “Cutthroat Island” starring Geena Davis. With a budget of $115 million, the film was panned by critics and made only a small fraction of the cost, making it a historic flop. And if history teaches us anything, it’s that if one mediocre film fails to strike it rich in theaters, then that means we give up trying to make any movies in that genre forever. It’s just a lost cause.

Cutthroat Island (1995) flopped at the box office. So obviously we should never make a thrilling advanture movie set on the high seas ever again. (Photo credit: Carolco Pictures) (edit: WHO?)

And let me be clear about something. When I say “look no further” I mean I literally want you to do no further research on the matter. Just trust me.

Because I know how this can go. It’s always at this point that people love to shout “Pirates of the Caribbean” at me. Some may even mention “Master & Commander” too. Or “The Adventures of Tintin.” I’ll admit those were pretty successful films, and they did come out more recently than Cutthroat Island. But do they qualify as beloved movies that get rewatched over and over again by passionate fans? Well, maybe.

But even if they do, what’s to say audiences will respond that way to the next big-budget swashbuckler? Let’s be smart here. Just because it worked a couple of times doesn’t mean we should put more eggs in that basket. It’s best to play it safe and run it back with Robert Pattinson and Zendaya again. Or Chalamet and Zendaya.

Or we can shake things up and go with a different actress. Once we find one.

Look at this still from Master and Commander (2003). Would you seriously want to watch more films like that? Boooooorrrrrriiiiiiiiiiing! (Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Or furthermore, we can keep trying to pump life back into the Jurassic World or Fast and Furious franchises. They’ll wake up eventually, right?

I don’t miss the swashbuckler, and I don’t want modern swashbucklers made either. There is nothing particularly cinematic about a sailing ship breaking over a giant wave, the rise of dense canon smoke after a battle, dazzling duels with cutlasses, or a sunset over the horizon of the open ocean. Just like there is nothing exciting about pirates, mutiny, sea monsters, and the like. I could go on, but I think the point is made.

I know what you, the audience, wants. And it’s definitely not that.