Star Wars, 49, Found Dead in Apartment
(Cover photo: Getty images)
Burbank CA- Tragedy struck the entertainment world early Friday morning after Star Wars, the 49-year-old movie franchise birthed by visionary filmmaker George Lucas, was found dead in his apartment.
Our very own writer, Hollywood, was quick to honor the passing of one of its great franchises. "Star Wars was a beloved movie franchise. It was an honor to be able to watch him rise from a little sound design studio in a garage to the height of cinematic achievement. It was an even bigger honor to lure him away from George Lucas with a huge paycheck and use his brand recognition to make lots and lots of cash."
The cause of death has yet to be confirmed by authorities. What is known is that Star Wars has had a history of health problems. In the late 90s, the famous franchise suffered from an extreme case of bland dialogue, atrocious CGI, and a horrible disease called Gungans. The unfortunate combination of several ailments caused many to think the 6-film saga may never recover. But Star Wars’ luck appeared to turn around in 2012, when he got married to Walt Disney pictures. He then underwent a successful rebrand in 2015, with the release of a 2-billion-dollar box office smash hit.
The franchise seemed to be headed in the right direction, and fans hoped the dark days were behind it. But in 2017, Star Wars began to suffer from lack of focus and, in 2019, offensively poor writing. Fans, colleagues, and close friends of Star Wars began to notice a rapid deterioration in health. The now-9-film franchise was certainly overworked, and many objective observers noting that wife Walt Disney Studios was simply forcing him to do too much. The latest movies and TV-shows just kept increasing in number and decreasing in quality. Today, the nation mourns a franchise that is now lost forever.
“We know how much Star Wars means to the industry and to the world. Well, used to mean. At one point.” Said the CA police chief at a press conference. “We will do our diligence to get to the bottom of what happened here today. We will update you as we find out more.”
Though nothing has been confirmed or denied about the famous intellectual property’s sudden passing, many fans suspect foul play. “It was obviously the wife, Walt Disney Pictures.” Said one passionate Star Wars fan on a popular YouTube channel. “She hated everything Star Wars stood for. She wanted her husband to stop being Star Wars and just be a mouthpiece for her radical beliefs.”
Walt Disney Studios quickly responded to these accusations. In a statement on X, she said “My husband’s death was obviously a suicide. Star Wars was abused relentlessly by its toxic fans, which distressed my poor husband and led to his tragic death. It has nothing to do with me demanding that he produce a TV-show about a lesbian witch cult making babies in space or unilaterally deciding that baby Yoda will be the face of the franchise for an entire generation. All I wanted was for him to be happy, successful, beloved by fans, and to do everything I told him to do, no questions asked.”
Late that morning, the Burbank police department released a shocking detail: an image of the mirror in Star Wars’ apartment bathroom, on which someone had painted the words “The Force is Female.” This is a phrase associated with Walt Disney Studios. She was quick to respond to this breaking news with another post on X: “My husband believed those words with his whole heart. He wrote that message as a suicide note, because it mattered so much to him. In his honor, I am casting 75% of all future Disney Star Wars characters as women. If you have a problem with that, you are not a real Star Wars fan. In fact, YOU probably killed him.”
Though the investigation is still ongoing, there are already two other suspects people have linked to the sudden death of Star Wars: directors Rian Johnson and JJ Abrams.
When pressed for comment, Johnson said “I did not kill Star Wars. But believe me, if I did, I would totally take credit for it.”
JJ Abrams had a different defense. “Somehow Star Wars died” he said to the press. After a long pause, he added, “why are you acting like I need to say more?”
As of time of publishing, the authorities agreed there was enough evidence of foul play to open an investigation. When given the case file, the investigator said “ah crap, another beloved franchise? Add it to the pile.”
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